Reflections of a Survivor

In January I wrote a post about my New Year resolution of learning a musical instrument, how I was learning the Piano, how well it was progressing and so on. I had concluded that post on a positive note: “I think if I continue practicing for about 80 minutes a day—four 20-minute sessions for the next 4–6 months, I will be to play a few songs with everybody agreeing on the song title.”

But I was too optimistic and did not consider many factors. I tried practicing the Piano for more than 2 months—four 20-minute sessions each day. I had allocated another 30 minutes each day to learn how to read music. While learning to read music went ahead well, the practice sessions were DFD (designed for disaster). My main problems were lack of stamina (which I thought I will develop), shoulder pain (which I thought will diminish as I practiced more) and spasms (which I didn’t consider a serious threat). But even after practicing for 2 months, I could not play the instrument for more than 4–5 minutes at a stretch as my shoulders started aching and the only time I could practice without the interference of spasms was the morning session. In the evening the spasms are so violent that one day my legs kicked the keyboard stand causing the keyboard to fall down. If it was not the timely intervention of my brother, who caught the keyboard before it touched the floor, it would have been history. So, for the second time in my life, with great sorrow, sadness and anguish I bid farewell to the keyboard and my ambition of learning a musical instrument. The only positive outcome of the exercise was that I learned to read musical scores.

But if these setbacks were designed to expel me from the musical scene, they didn’t. I am a person who is not easily discouraged, disheartened or demoralized. These failures only hardened my resolve to do something in music. So I have been searching for something that I can do with whatever skills I have. I searched the Internet, read many books on music and finally stumbled on a perfect solution—Opera.

I have the body that even Luciano Pavarotti would die for and a powerful tenor voice that can move and enthrall an entire crowd! I have been singing only for a few weeks but the impact of my voice has been profound. My nephew broke two glasses and an ‘unbreakable’ dinner set. My niece runs away and hides under the bed whenever I start my practice session. My brother and sister-in-law have been very patient, but only yesterday I found out that they were wearing earplugs!

My incredible voice is creating waves in the neighborhood also. Two days back, my neighbor came to see me with a 2Kg cake. He said he was a fan. He had given his house for rent to some college students sometime back and they were refusing to move out. Two days after I started practicing, the tenants who were refusing to leave went to his house, handed over the keys and ran away without even collecting the security deposit. Almost, all people living in my neighborhood are happy as there is a drastic reduction in the number of pest, mosquitoes, stray dogs and cats.

The ENT specialists, medical store owners and medical representatives in my area have started dropping in with presents as their businesses have improved dramatically. I have been contacted by the Kerala Police department to help them in maintaining law and order. The police authorities who contacted me told me that they can sell off the water-cannons, tear gas shells and other riot control equipments if they are allowed to broadcast my songs.

I am negotiating with an international company that specializes in personal security products. Soon the pepper sprays will something of the past. It will be replaced by a similar device, but when you press the button, instead of the pepper spray, you will get an even deadlier weapon—my rendition of Donizetti’s La fille du regiment, which would incapacitate even the most dangerous attackers. Each of these weapons (Voice-based Torture Devices or VTDs) comes with a pair of high quality decorative earplugs that can be worn always. These earplugs will not interfere with your hearing when the device is on standby. When you press the button on the VTD, the earplugs are automatically activated shielding you from the deadly voice.

In another interesting development, I was approached by Ram Gopal Varma, who is remaking Sholay. In this movie, Amitabh Bachchan is playing Gabbar Singh. In the new movie Gabbar tortures and kills his enemies with his songs.

One of the most memorable sequences of the original Sholay have been rewritten to include this new weapon—songs (sung by yours truly). Even though, it is one of the best kept secrets of Bollywood, I don’t see any harm in sharing it with you. The script of the new sequence goes like this:

Gabbar: Hmmmm…. Kitane aadmi the?
Kaliya: Sardar… Do aadmi tha…
Gabbar: Hmmm… Do aadmi? SOOWAR KE BACHCHO Woh do the… Aur tum teen… Phir bhi waapas aagayae. Khaali haath… Kya samach kar aaye the? Ke Sardar bahot khus hoga… Sabasi dega kyoom? DHIKKAR HAI…
Gabbar: Arre o Saambha… Kitna inaam rakkhe hai sarkaar ham par?
Sambha: Poore pachaas hajaar…
Gabbar: Suna… Poore pachas hajaar… Aur yeh inaam isliye hai ke yaham se pachas pachas kos door gaav mein, jab bachcha raat ko rota hai, to maa kahti hai beta so ja… so ja nahi to mein tera (ear)plug utar donja. Aur yeh teen haraam jaade..ye gabbar singh kaa naam poora mitti me milaay diye… Iski sajaa milegi… Baraabar milegi…
[He takes an iPod that contains Gabbar’s songs from a dacoit and asks him.]
Gabbar: Kitni songs hai iske andar?
[The dacoit is too afraid to answer and mumbles something.]
Gabbar: KITNI SONGS HAI?
Dacoit: Chhe sardaar
Gabbar: [To himself] Chhe? [Then loudly] Chhe songs… Chhe songs hai iske andar… Chhe songs aur aadmi teen… Bahot naa insaafi hai yeh…
[Deletes three songs from the playlist and downloads three Kishore Kumar melodies into it.]
Gabbar: Ab theek hai… Haa, ab theek hai… Ab is mein mera teen songs hai our teen melodies… Ab ham issko shuffle karega… Ab kaha songs hai… Kaha nahi? Hamko nahi pata… Hamko kuchh nahi pataa… Is iPod me teen jindagi our teen maut band hai… Dekhe kisse kya milta hai?
[Goes to the first person and places the headphone in his ears and presses the play button; “Aisi Haseen Chandni” is heard]
Gabbar: Bach gaya sala…
[Goes to the second person and repeats the performance; “De De Pyar De” is heard]
Gabbar: Yeh bhi bach gaya…
[Goes to the third person]
Gabbar: Teraa kya hoga kaaliyaa?
Kaliya: s..s..sardar… Maine aapkaa namak khaayaa hai sardaar…
Gabbar: Ab ye song sun…
[Places the headphone in Kaliya’s ears and presses the play button; “Main shayar to nahin” is heard]
Gabbar: Kamaal ho gaya… Teeno bachh gaye
[He starts to laugh]
Gabbar: Yeh teen ha..ha..ha… Teeno haram jaadon ko mera songs nahi mili…
[Gabbar starts to laugh hysterically; one by one the members of the gang starts laughing and soon every body is laughing uncontrollably and hysterically. While laughing, Gabbar and other gang members (except those poor souls in the middle) put on their earplugs. Suddenly one by one the three songs that I sung are played in sequence from the concealed 802 Deluxe Bose system. The three men fall down, writhe in agony and die—very painfully.]
Gabbar: Jo dar gayaa… Samcho mar gayaa

Now I am working hard on my new audio blog where I am going to post a song a day (ASAD). The site will be launched shortly. I hope to see all of you during the launch…

Till then, this is
Alexis Leon, The Ultimate Terror…err…Tenor
Signing off…