The Ultimate Terror: Sound of Music—III

In January I wrote a post about my New Year resolution of learning a musical instrument, how I was learning the Piano, how well it was progressing and so on. I had concluded that post on a positive note: “I think if I continue practicing for about 80 minutes a day—four 20-minute sessions for the next 4–6 months, I will be to play a few songs with everybody agreeing on the song title.”

But I was too optimistic and did not consider many factors. I tried practicing the Piano for more than 2 months—four 20-minute sessions each day. I had allocated another 30 minutes each day to learn how to read music. While learning to read music went ahead well, the practice sessions were DFD (designed for disaster). My main problems were lack of stamina (which I thought I will develop), shoulder pain (which I thought will diminish as I practiced more) and spasms (which I didn’t consider a serious threat). But even after practicing for 2 months, I could not play the instrument for more than 4–5 minutes at a stretch as my shoulders started aching and the only time I could practice without the interference of spasms was the morning session. In the evening the spasms are so violent that one day my legs kicked the keyboard stand causing the keyboard to fall down. If it was not the timely intervention of my brother, who caught the keyboard before it touched the floor, it would have been history. So, for the second time in my life, with great sorrow, sadness and anguish I bid farewell to the keyboard and my ambition of learning a musical instrument. The only positive outcome of the exercise was that I learned to read musical scores.

But if these setbacks were designed to expel me from the musical scene, they didn’t. I am a person who is not easily discouraged, disheartened or demoralized. These failures only hardened my resolve to do something in music. So I have been searching for something that I can do with whatever skills I have. I searched the Internet, read many books on music and finally stumbled on a perfect solution—Opera.

I have the body that even Luciano Pavarotti would die for and a powerful tenor voice that can move and enthrall an entire crowd! I have been singing only for a few weeks but the impact of my voice has been profound. My nephew broke two glasses and an ‘unbreakable’ dinner set. My niece runs away and hides under the bed whenever I start my practice session. My brother and sister-in-law have been very patient, but only yesterday I found out that they were wearing earplugs!


My incredible voice is creating waves in the neighborhood also. Two days back, my neighbor came to see me with a 2Kg cake. He said he was a fan. He had given his house for rent to some college students sometime back and they were refusing to move out. Two days after I started practicing, the tenants who were refusing to leave went to his house, handed over the keys and ran away without even collecting the security deposit. Almost, all people living in my neighborhood are happy as there is a drastic reduction in the number of pest, mosquitoes, stray dogs and cats.

The ENT specialists, medical store owners and medical representatives in my area have started dropping in with presents as their businesses have improved dramatically. I have been contacted by the Kerala Police department to help them in maintaining law and order. The police authorities who contacted me told me that they can sell off the water-cannons, tear gas shells and other riot control equipments if they are allowed to broadcast my songs.

I am negotiating with an international company that specializes in personal security products. Soon the pepper sprays will something of the past. It will be replaced by a similar device, but when you press the button, instead of the pepper spray, you will get an even deadlier weapon—my rendition of Donizetti’s La fille du regiment, which would incapacitate even the most dangerous attackers. Each of these weapons (Voice-based Torture Devices or VTDs) comes with a pair of high quality decorative earplugs that can be worn always. These earplugs will not interfere with your hearing when the device is on standby. When you press the button on the VTD, the earplugs are automatically activated shielding you from the deadly voice.

In another interesting development, I was approached by Ram Gopal Varma, who is remaking Sholay. In this movie, Amitabh Bachchan is playing Gabbar Singh. In the new movie Gabbar tortures and kills his enemies with his songs.

One of the most memorable sequences of the original Sholay have been rewritten to include this new weapon—songs (sung by yours truly). Even though, it is one of the best kept secrets of Bollywood, I don’t see any harm in sharing it with you. The script of the new sequence goes like this:

Gabbar: Hmmmm…. Kitane aadmi the?
Kaliya: Sardar… Do aadmi tha…
Gabbar: Hmmm… Do aadmi? SOOWAR KE BACHCHO Woh do the… Aur tum teen… Phir bhi waapas aagayae. Khaali haath… Kya samach kar aaye the? Ke Sardar bahot khus hoga… Sabasi dega kyoom? DHIKKAR HAI…
Gabbar: Arre o Saambha… Kitna inaam rakkhe hai sarkaar ham par?
Sambha: Poore pachaas hajaar…
Gabbar: Suna… Poore pachas hajaar… Aur yeh inaam isliye hai ke yaham se pachas pachas kos door gaav mein, jab bachcha raat ko rota hai, to maa kahti hai beta so ja… so ja nahi to mein tera (ear)plug utar donja. Aur yeh teen haraam gabbar singh kaa naam poora mitti me milaay diye… Iski sajaa milegi… Baraabar milegi…
[He takes an iPod that contains Gabbar’s songs from a dacoit and asks him.]
Gabbar: Kitni songs hai iske andar?
[The dacoit is too afraid to answer and mumbles something.]
Dacoit: Chhe sardaar
Gabbar: [To himself] Chhe? [Then loudly] Chhe songs… Chhe songs hai iske andar… Chhe songs aur aadmi teen… Bahot naa insaafi hai yeh…
[Deletes three songs from the playlist and downloads three Kishore Kumar melodies into it.]
Gabbar: Ab theek hai… Haa, ab theek hai… Ab is mein mera teen songs hai our teen melodies… Ab ham issko shuffle karega… Ab kaha songs hai… Kaha nahi? Hamko nahi pata… Hamko kuchh nahi pataa… Is iPod me teen jindagi our teen maut band hai… Dekhe kisse kya milta hai?
[Goes to the first person and places the headphone in his ears and presses the play button; “Aisi Haseen Chandni” is heard]
Gabbar: Bach gaya sala…
[Goes to the second person and repeats the performance; “De De Pyar De” is heard]
Gabbar: Yeh bhi bach gaya…
[Goes to the third person]
Gabbar: Teraa kya hoga kaaliyaa?
Kaliya: s..s..sardar… Maine aapkaa namak khaayaa hai sardaar…
Gabbar: Ab ye song sun…
[Places the headphone in Kaliya’s ears and presses the play button; “Main shayar to nahin” is heard]
Gabbar: Kamaal ho gaya… Teeno bachh gaye
[He starts to laugh]
Gabbar: Yeh teen ha..ha..ha… Teeno haram jaadon ko mera songs nahi mili…
[Gabbar starts to laugh hysterically; one by one the members of the gang starts laughing and soon every body is laughing uncontrollably and hysterically. While laughing, Gabbar and other gang members (except those poor souls in the middle) put on their earplugs. Suddenly one by one the three songs that I sung are played in sequence from the concealed 802 Deluxe Bose system. The three men fall down, writhe in agony and die—very painfully.]
Gabbar: Jo dar gayaa… Samcho mar gayaa

Now I am working hard on my new audio blog where I am going to post a song a day (ASAD). The site will be launched shortly. I hope to see all of you during the launch…

Till then, this is
Alexis Leon, The Ultimate Terror…err…Tenor
Signing off…


  1. Paresh Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 2:48 am

    Hahahaha………. 2.45 AM. Scared of my own echo, wondering what’ll happen if I’ve to listen to your songs at this hour (or any hour of the day) everyday. I can visualise poor Jo & Pradipji shivering with fear of competition from you. BTW, RGV can use your voice to dub the sinister laughter of Gabbar.

    And, look Anju running for cover seeing your sense of humour.

  2. venus Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 2:51 am

    you changed your look! :)
    couldn’t stop myself writing this comment before I read thru the post :)

  3. chekku Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 4:08 am

    if u could sing a bit louder and reach that ultrasonic might cause of extinction of bats ..dolphins…whales..

    but defintely might be a great blessing for mankind..the world wars were peanuts compared to this!!

    btw heard that Bush has called a UN summit to discuss strange decibel levels and uncharactersitic sound waves from the subcontinent..even read that it is from somewhere near cochin!! :-P

    btw rotfl the sarcasm u have taken on yourself..

  4. kajan Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 4:14 am


  5. venus Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 5:05 am

    looking forward to watch the remake of sholay.. :D
    were the playing song on ipod nano or shuffle ;) :)
    very hilarious one!

  6. Alexis Leon Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 11:01 am

    Paresh : Thanks buddy…I agree with you on possibility of RGV using my voice for Gabbar, but completely disagree with you on me competing with Pradip, Jo and Anju—they are the best.

    venus: The body belongs to Pavarotti, head is mine and the beard is courtesy Adobe Photoshop :-)

    chekku: ROFL. btw heard that Bush has called a UN summit to discuss strange decibel levels and uncharacteristic sound waves from the subcontinent. Even read that it is from somewhere near cochin!! :-P That was a nice one.

    kajan: Thanks Kajan.

    venus: Thank you venus, and me too looking forward to the remake of Sholay. Regarding iPod, my knowledge is very limited. I have not seen (except in pictures) or used one.

  7. Anju Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 5:01 pm

    Absolutely brilliant and hilarious!!! That take on Gabbar was a stroke of genius!!! There was a similar turn of events in my neighbourhood while I was reading your post. The troublesome tenants in the neighborhood ran away after hearing my laughter. If they come back then I know what I am buying !!! :)

    Super post!!!

  8. Anju Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 5:02 pm

    p.s yeh dil maange more…err I mean similar posts…the melodious renditions you keep for the WMD market :p

  9. Alexis Leon Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 7:39 pm

    Anju: Thanks Anju. Coming from you it is special indeed.

  10. venus Said,

    April 1, 2007 @ 8:55 pm

    i know, you’ve grown beard :) :)

  11. Manju Said,

    April 2, 2007 @ 6:24 pm

    A really hilarious post. I have been a silent reader of your blog all this while. You have a great blog here.

  12. Alexis Leon Said,

    April 2, 2007 @ 9:57 pm

    venus: :-)

    Manju:Thanks Manju and welcome to my blog.

  13. Jo Said,

    April 4, 2007 @ 12:00 pm

    Alexis, I never knew you have such a great sense of humor! LOL! :-D

    On another note, how about posting one song first so that we can say if its really that bad as you state here? :-)

    In the last weekend a friend was telling me that those who can appreciate/enjoy music are equally great with the singers. I completely agree with it. Not just singing or playing instrument, enjoying or appreciating music is also a great talent.

  14. Suji Said,

    April 5, 2007 @ 7:22 am

    LOL…..really hilarious. You have a great sense of humour and the ability to laugh at oneself is something that very few ppl have.

  15. pophabhi Said,

    April 5, 2007 @ 12:19 pm

    Awesome Alexis.

    It was really nice to see you turn a serious note into one filled with laughs. Hilarious and impressive.

    Great Post, Sir!!

  16. chekku Said,

    April 5, 2007 @ 7:28 pm

    easter greetings to you Alexis!! :-)

  17. Alexis Leon Said,

    April 5, 2007 @ 10:31 pm

    Jo: Thanks Jo. I completely agree with you on music appreciation. Yes it requires at least a minimum knowledge of music. The same applies of for all art forms. But some great musicians can by there sheer genius, talent and hard work can transcend all such barriers and make music accessible to all. It why we like people like you, Pradip and the hundreds of audio bloggers. Keep the great work going…

    Suji: Thanks Suji.

    Abhu: Thanks buddy.

    Mathew: Same to you buddy. Have a blast…

  18. Kusum Rohra Said,

    April 7, 2007 @ 11:42 am

    This is class!! Howlarious. Simply superb.

    I have competition !! My singing has resulted in quite similar deals but alas I am not as much of a terror as you are.

    *Bows to the new God of the gaana-ga-ke-mar-dalo community*

  19. Alexis Leon Said,

    April 7, 2007 @ 10:10 pm

    Kusum: Thank you very much. You are my inspiration and it was your post on singing that motivated me to go ahead :-)

  20. neermathalam Said,

    April 11, 2007 @ 1:51 pm

    a geniune doubt u wear earplugs while singing…..???
    waiting for that auido blog…
    number of enemies are on rise…

    Awesome post…i like the kerala police part….

  21. Rajesh Gunasekaran Said,

    April 12, 2007 @ 1:01 am

    Way to go!! Your gabbar narration was Wonderfully crafted !!

    And I ought to congratulate you for making me read through the entire post! Being in the software field for 5 years (dont know why that sounds like 50 to me! am that tired) my attention span is just 30 seconds.

    Yeah, i cannot read anything for more than 30 seconds and yet at 1 AM in the morning I read through your entire post and few other posts too!

    Your writing is amazing!

    And, thanks for all the great books you have written on IT (one of which is on my desk currently, the big red IBM Mainframe handbook!)

    Keep blogging!

  22. Alexis Leon Said,

    April 12, 2007 @ 7:03 pm

    neermathalam: Yes, I do. What do you think? I value my life very much :-) Don’t tempt me too much with the audioblog…I might do it ;-)

    Rajesh: Thanks buddy.

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